fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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