So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This baby is an asshole
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
