So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
