I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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