in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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