i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
