do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
