I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
