At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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