you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
