Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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