My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
