I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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