When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
