you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
