i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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