i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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