fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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