If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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