I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
