I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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