Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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