I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
