I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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