good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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