Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
