Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
