3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize