bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
