A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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