No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
