omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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