yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize