I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
