So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
