Pass out mid-funnel last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
