He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
