I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
