some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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