Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
