I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
