i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
