You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
