So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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