Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Houston, we have a squirter
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
