if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
