What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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