and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
