standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
