I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
