is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
