She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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