the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
