i need an iv and a liver transplant
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
